My Story

Gina Cullen
Jun 27, 2023
11 min read

Updated: Aug 28

I wrote this story once with an unintentional tone of what I like to call, “victim-ness.” My hope is to share a story of progress and recovery—not of suffering. The sooner we can conceptualize mental illness for what it is (complex and personalized), the sooner we can destigmatize the beliefs that circulate throughout our society and field. I want to state before I continue that happiness is not found—it is formulated; and mental illness does not negate our ability to formulate happiness.

Anorexia Nervosa was my best friend. It was my way of perceiving control over a life that felt unmanageable. It was also my way of compensating for the things I believed I wasn’t good at, the things I couldn’t be, and the things I didn’t have. I believed that I would be safe from the rejection I feared if I had control over one of the most talked-about things that our society ruminates on. Growing up in the 2000s, the body isn’t just a body to most teenagers; it is a ticket to attention, validation, and confidence.

(2007-2016) Childhood:

My mental health has always been a touchy subject. One of my very first memories was stepping on the scale for fun. I was six-years-old and alone in my mother’s bathroom. I don’t know why, but I cried when the scale finished its measurement without even having a sense of what overweight or underweight meant/what weight is “bad” or what weight is “good.” I demonstrated peculiar behaviors as a child, and I began to experience ideations at a very young age. These behaviors included mild violence, crying spells, and self injury. I felt that my vulnerability was a weakness, so I became the funny friend, the theatre kid, and the girl that wanted to be the prettiest in the room—all distractions to hide the parts of me that I was fearful of exhibiting.

These identities were unfulfilling. Something I discovered about myself in treatment was that I often clung to labels and attached them to my self-concept throughout life. Pretending that I enjoyed these labels gave me the illusion of control over other people’s perceptions.

I began competitive cheerleading after several years of sideline REC. I was in 5th grade, and my uniform was very minimal. I was being thrown by 6th-8th graders who were beginning to transition into their mature bodies. At first, I didn’t feel shame; however, I remember standing in front of the mirror and listing out “imperfections” by the end of the season. Still, food wasn’t an enemy to me at this time; it was fuel. By 8th grade, my body had transformed into a lean figure, and I received praise from cheer moms and coaches for being a “sexy little-thang.”

(2017) Theatre begins:

While cheerleading was my life, it was more of a way to be seen in a way that I could control: aligned, coordinated, focused, and passionate. I received positive attention for my singing and dancing, and I was accepted into my high school’s musical theatre program in my sophomore year of high school. From then on, I pursued Broadway. It was during this time that I learned a new habit that carried into everyday life: “Always say, ‘yes.’”

(2018) The Relationship:

I met my first long term partner through this musical theatre program, and our relationship somewhat marked the beginning of my heightened bodily awareness. I remained in the relationship for almost three years despite it’s encouragement of eating disorder behaviors. The manifestation of my internalized belief that compliance with men would provide me validation would begin on our first date. I did things I was visibly uncomfortable with, and I believe that my partner’s awareness for that drove many of his further actions in the relationship.

I was 15 years old, and I believed anything that I was told with regard to me as a person and body. The pressure to comply with all categories of my partner’s desire continued to stem from witnessing his body shaming of other individuals and frequent cheating behaviors. I was terrified that losing my partner would reaffirm the negative beliefs I held for myself, so I stayed. I stayed for three years. I became more and more weak as I continued to “yes” my way through life. My identity was becoming more blurred as time passed.

In the absence of maladaptive relationships, anorexia provided me with a way to receive the harm and numbing I believed I needed.

(2017-2020) Liked v. Disliked:

I was a people-pleaser whether or not I would admit that to anyone. It hurt to hear that anyone had a skewed perspective of my intentions and character, and I turned to maladaptive eating behaviors/restriction to feel in control of myself. The idea was that if I cannot control how people view me as a person, I can still have control over the way they view my body.

No one around me knew that I was struggling unless I told them directly. I maintained my popularity, loud personality, and upbeat attitude; and such a presence often drew mixed attention to myself. There were rumors about who I was as a person, which is something that most kids in high school experience; however, I was deeply affected by the way others perceived me as a consequence of my attachment to validation. I believe now that many decisions we make as teenagers about our are made on the basis of assumption. Popular kids can be easy targets for rumors, because many people who feel powerless assume their voice will get lost in the crowd of all other commentary about the target; however, the false rumors are not lost in the crowd. They are heard, believed, and damaging.

I was diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) in eighth grade, and the diagnosis seemed to be most triggered in situations where I was being told I, “did, were, was, am, or are.” This is not to be confused with obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (OCPD), which is often characterized by the need to keep things clean and organized/perfectionist behaviors. I made the poor choice of apologizing for things I knew I didn’t do, believing that it would soothe any false perceptions of me as a person. I even formulated false memories after spending hours trying to remember an instance I was told had occurred. In doing so, I was developing a weaker sense of self.

That is not to say I was a perfect kid. I made mistakes just like every other teenager did. The biggest problem was that I didn’t know how to let go of the guilt and forgive myself. I sometimes still reach out to people today and re-apologize for moments I feel didn’t reflect my true person.

(2021) Beginning College:

I had gained weight around the time the partner I’ve made reference to and I began dating, and he made subtle notes of it often. I lost this weight throughout the pandemic due to poor appetite and taking up running. It seems a lot of people share the story that their body changed throughout COVID-19. I began to receive a lot of attention online from strangers and even previous male bullies. I felt accepted and fulfilled with the fact that I was now being acknowledged in a positive way from individuals who are known to be harshly critical of others.

It became a compulsive behavior to ensure that I maintained my body; however, when I moved to Manhattan, New York to begin my Bachelor of Fine Arts in Musical Theatre, I had ample time to focus on maintaining my body with my schedule of dance classes, auditions, small performances, and university courses. I did, however, find the time to drink, club, and investigate drugs on a regular basis. It didn’t become a problem until it did, and I think that that sums up the beginning for many addictions. I began gaining weight unknowingly until I watched a recording that my mom had taken of me on stage during one of her visits. Watching that video led to the re-awakening of my weight awareness.

My first dramatic drop in weight began after a break up with a partner whom I had been close friends with for several years prior. We began dating during a time when I was noticing my weight gain, and this drove my eating disorder wild. I was short-tempered, snarky, and demanding throughout our time together; and we eventually broke up due to the difficulty we found in maintaining our personal lives and our long-distance relationship. Individuals with eating disorders are known to be very short with others when their mind is obsessively compulsively thinking about their body or food, and that seemed to be the only place my mind ever wanted to go when we were together.

(2022) Treatment

By November of 2022, I was medically deemed anorexic. I had began to sit out of dance classes due to difficulties with my breath work, yet I convinced myself it was normal to feel tired like this sometimes. I had been counting my calories to no more than 300 per day and walking at least one hour per day on top of my daily dance classes. I had been consuming no more than 500 calories per day since July of that same year. I believed that I was fine so long as I was breathing, so I returned to New York but was flown back home in December for hospitalization. The several days before I was admitted were the most intense days of my anorexia, and I experienced my first out-of-body experience the night before my hospitalization.

I viewed myself in fetal position on my bed, and I saw for the first time how malnourished and ill I had become. It was the first time I had recognized my lack of accountability and faced the reality that I was about to die if I didn’t receive help. I’m not a religious individual, but I believe that a higher power was with me that night.

I was hospitalized at Scottish Rite in Atlanta, GA for two weeks before being transferred to a residential/inpatient eating disorder recovery center.

It was in treatment that I found I had been on the wrong track both mentally and professionally. I withdrew entirely from the arts and geared my career towards learning about the human mind. I made “performer” my entire identity for six years, so no one believed me when I said I was never truly in love with it. People seemed to underestimate just how much of an “act” I put on in my adolescence and teen years.

I applied for and was accepted into university while in the treatment center and began my Bachelor of Science in Psychology in August of that year. I graduated two years later in August of 2025 with a Psychology GPA of 4.0/4.0 and an overall GPA of 3.89/4.0 (thanks musical theatre degree…). I am now applying for my Master of Counselling and Master of Clinical Psychology degree outside of the country where I plan to relocate and remain. I’ve been working in the field for three years now as a direct support professional and registered behavior technician.

The meal plans I was assigned were incredibly overwhelming, as I was consuming approximately 5,000 calories a day after consuming so little for a prolonged period of time. The quick change in nutritional intake led to refeeding syndrome which led to a diagnosis of edema (severe swelling) in my legs. I still wear compression socks on a regular basis today to control the swelling of my legs, because my lymphatic system was damaged by my anorexia. My legs were swollen to about 15 inches in my calf after my first day, and I had used the restroom approximately 17 times per day throughout my three months in the center! It’s amazing how the body works so hard to regulate when our brains work so hard against it. Edema is still something I cope with today, and there is no evidence-based treatment to cure a damaged lymphatic system; however, I am so grateful to not be living the alternative.

It was very scary, and I felt very vulnerable eating in front of a room of individuals who feared gaining weight. There were times that I felt judged and unprotected, but there were also times that I felt incredibly supported and encouraged to recover. I journaled what I ate every single day, as well as what occurred that day. My first ever notes on psychology are found in my recovery journals!

Nevertheless, rather than finishing meal supplements, I finished every meal from day one! I was so proud of myself, but my eating disorder was so ashamed of me. (The biggest piece of advice I have is to be so scared of not doing it that you do it.) I was motivated to leave treatment to reinstate myself as a student, and studying became my number one motivator very quickly. When I was finally discharged to PHP, I had the opportunity to go home and cheat my meals/not eat what I was assigned to eat. I always followed protocol, and I was discharged from PHP in one month.

(2022) The months following discharge:

I do feel that I was discharged too early from treatment, as I had a small relapse that came about one month after being discharged. The program mainly focused on the biological recovery of its patients rather than psychological and emotional recovery, so I had not learned how to emotionally cope with the 60 pounds I gained in treatment. I lost the weight I had gained very quickly but began to overeat on occasion in fear of being sent back to treatment. I suffered from mild bulimia for about 8 months following this, overeating and then restricting my intake, before finally hitting rock bottom and gaining to a weight that scared me into stable eating habits.

I want to expand on this bout of bulimia and do my best to destigmatize what we believe about it: No, it does not occur because people “love” food. Food is a survival resource that provides dopamine and pleasure. It can be a distraction and eating it can be a form of quick dissociation. You are not animal-like for indulging, and you are not gluttonous for utilizing a resource to cope with something that feels unmanageable. Some individuals turn to drugs, whereas others turn to food when it comes to dissociating from feelings that are feared or difficult to manage. Food can be an addiction, and it can be very vulnerable to admit that in an American society that demonizes individuals who are overweight. I eventually lost the excess I had gained in my bulimia throughout the following 5 months and have since maintained my weight.

Today:

As I previously stated, I have graduated with high honors as a Bachelor of Science in Psychology, and I am pursuing my masters in the field. I want to counsel others, but it would be incredible to earn my Master of Clinical Psychology following my Master of Counselling. At the end of the day, I aim to provide personalized therapeutic service to a struggling society.

I have never been more in love than I am with the partner I’m with today, and we will both be moving out of the country together to pursue our career and personal ambitions. I have never felt more safe in my own mind than I ever have before today. I do still struggle with scary thoughts, and I do still attend somatic trauma therapy; however, I do not struggle in any way that impacts my daily functioning or ability to output excellent work at my job.

I am hopeful that my story has provided you with a realistic but summarized idea of how quickly mental illness can detrimentally impact one’s being. Each disorder is unique to the individual regardless of diagnosis; therefore, it is imperative that we view the person first and their disorder second. I’m wishing you all well, and I want to thank you for opening up your mind to listening to my story.

There are, of course, so many bitty details that I’ve carefully left out; however, I do plan to write about mental wellness topics that will incorporate these bitty details of my personal experience.

My best,

Gina Cullen, ASM, BS, CPS-Y, DSP, RBT