What is my purpose, and why would it matter unless I am thin? This is a question I have asked myself way too often.
I struggled with a relapse of Anorexia Nervosa in July of 2023, and this relapse slowly turned into Bulimia Nervosa up until June 2025. I was consistently restricting myself from food until I stepped on the scale to see an "ideal" number that would give me permission to eat as much as I wanted of anything I wanted for one day. I would then go back to restricting myself, even harder than I had been restricting myself before the days following... all the way up until I stepped on the scale once more to see an "ideal" number. The problem was that this number was consistently getting higher and higher, and I kept telling myself that it was "fine" or that it was "water weight." I was becoming delusional to the fact that I was gaining real weight by damaging/decreasing my metabolism significantly through the cycle of binge/restrict. I had my RMR (resting metabolic rate) tested in October 2023, and it was 1070. (RMR: The amount of calories your body needs to perform basic functions/survive.) I was alerted by my dietician that 1070 is about 930 calories less than what the RMR for my activity level (Run 3x/week, Walk 4x/week, Weight Training 3x/week) would reap for a typical individual. My body was starving, and it became adapted to not receiving food--hence the extremely small RMR. The slower my metabolism became, the more weight I gained with each binge and prolonged period of restriction.
Anorexia Nervosa: An eating disorder characterized by a restriction of energy intake relative to requirements--sometimes leading to significantly low body weight, a fear of weight gain, and often comorbidity with Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD).
Bulimia Nervosa: An eating disorder characterized by regular, often secretive bouts of overeating/compulsive eating followed by self-induced vomiting, strict dieting, or extreme exercise, associated with persistent and excessive concern with body weight.
Resting Metabolic Rate (RMR): Calories needed for basic bodily functions. (Simplistic definition: The amount of calories you need to maintain your body weight if you were to lay in bed all day and not move at all.)
I hid it well, but my shame was transformed into self-hatred and poor social skills. I distanced myself from anyone who I believed would judge my body, I wore sweatpants no matter the weather, and I even wore face masks to hide my cheeks. I was still posting ED recovery insight and recovery motivation on my Instagram stories for other individuals who were struggling, but I was not ready to admit that I was struggling as well. In May of 2024, I decided that it was time to stop trying to "increase my willpower and not binge." I came clean to my therapist about what I was doing, and we began to work through the thoughts that spurred before a binge. This took months, but I finally began to understand that it wasn't so much that I had a lack of self-control around food; I had a lack of self-control around restriction and the lengths I would go to be thin. My restriction spurred my binges, so we decided to work through the thoughts and experiences that motivated me to restrict or lose more weight. These conversations are most-likely still occurring as you read this. :)
Guess what happened? The less I restricted, the less I binged. Problem solved! But not really! Because guess what happened? I lost weight, and it triggered the cycle all over again! I started refeeding in May of 2024 around the time I came clean to my therapist about the cycles, and I did retain a lot of water up until around November of 2024; but my metabolism (RMR) had sped up (increased the amount of calories I needed at rest) significantly by my eating MORE. Eating MORE made me LESS HUNGRY which made me less likely to binge. When I had noticed the significant drop in weight (about 20 pounds), I began to feel that it still wasn't enough. I looked at my body and felt ashamed that it looked "average" and not thin. I started restricting again, so I started binging again. I was maintaining my weight, but I was doing so by balancing two unhealthy extremes. My therapist told me that it was time to go to a residential eating disorder facility for a second round of treatment, but I was too scared of the lack of control I'd have over my body. (For more information on my first treatment, please refer to https://www.soichooseher.com/post/my-story.)
I started the re-feeding process all over again in late November of 2024. Today:
I am still learning to eat consistently again and am required to reverse diet (slowly increase my caloric intake by 50-100 calories per day/per week).
I still view normal/typical portions of food as "too large" or "too much" no matter who reassures me they are not, and I am struggling to not label eating a normal/typical portion of food as a binge--as I know this would trigger restriction.
I am not eating enough/what a person of my activity level, height, RMR, and genetics would require/I am in a caloric deficit that is causing me to slowly lose weight because of how long reverse dieting takes; however, I am continuing to challenge myself to sustain my reverse dieting every day, as this reverse dieting will eventually bring my RMR up to 1500-2000 and allow me to maintain a healthy weight while consuming an adequate amount of energy. (Note: I am NOT underweight. My metabolism is too damaged at the moment to lose the kind of weight it would take to be deemed underweight/my RMR is too low to be in a caloric deficit that would allow for me to lose the kind of weight it would take to be deemed underweight.)
I don't restrict myself from any type of food. I mentally prepare myself for that meal/snack if it consists of foods that were either included in previous binges or were heavily restricted/not allowed by my Anorexia.
I have no desires to binge, and I do not crave the types of foods I craved while in a deeper caloric deficit as I was at the beginning of this part two.
I am scared, but I'm not alone. It is my decision as to whether or not this is a temporary process.
I'm sharing this, because even the most "motivating" people in these fields undergo the struggles they motivate others to overcome, but they know what they know because of their struggle. You're reading this for a reason, so whether it's an attempt to find someone to relate to or you're here to poke fun, you are most likely looking for knowledge surrounding the experience of an anorexic/bulimic. No one is mean to themselves or others when they're truly happy with themselves. Being honest with yourself about what you're struggling with and the reasons why the struggle persists is the first step. The second step is allowing yourself to not go through it alone. If you are priviledged enough to have insurance, please reach out to an LPC or ED specialist who can guide you through the most appropriate and individualized steps towards a nourished, healthy, and peaceful body, recovery, and spirit.
It is never too late to survive until it isn't.
Love, Gina
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